19 June 25

Got the day off for Juneteenth today.  Took the family to see Elio, the new Pixar movie.  It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't my favorite.  I absolutely loved hearing Carl Sagan's voice in it.  That was beautiful.  

I work tomorrow morning at 0400.  It's my last cycle, and I'm excited about that.  Hopefully I'll find out soon if I'm indeed going to Korea next.  

I'm re-reading The Pursuit of God by AW Tozer.  I first read it in 2014 or 2015, when I was in the Middle East.  There's a prayer at the end of Chapter 1 that really struck me: 

    "O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus’ Name, Amen."

All last night, I kept waking up in prayer, asking God to be my Lord, to take my soul and make it His.  As of right now, I am feeling compelled to continue in this seeking after Jesus.  I really want it to last.  

Keeping a record

It’s Wednesday morning. Sarah is working in her office, probably in some meeting, probably stressed out. I’ve finished mowing the lawn, convinced the boy to get started on the back yard. He’ll finish it eventually. The girl is at school, summer school, for a few more days.  She failed science, but she claims it's because her teacher is incredibly toxic and probably is failing her deliberately.  

I was moved by the election of the new Pope, Leo 14.  Since I've been living my life as an atheist the past few years, I have been surprised by the strength of this weight upon my heart, this compulsion to look into the Gospel.  I prayed, as a skeptic, for God (if He's real) to give me clarity and some sort of proof that He exists and if He wants me to follow Him.  

My history as a believer has been to dive deeply in the faith, grow in it for a while, then eventually lose interest.  I don't know if this is ADHD or my own failings in consistency.  I don't know.  I told God, during that prayer, if He is real and wants me to follow Him, I want it to last.  I don't want to eventually become convinced that the Christian faith is false and a waste of time.  

I was recently reminded of the Parable of the Sower.  In the past, the seed of my faith fell in shallow soil and amongst weeds that choked it out.  My prayer has been for fertile and deep soil.  

I talked to Sarah a little about this yesterday.  What does it mean to have fertile soil?  How does that happen?  Her answer was, I think, really smart:  you have to put in the work, tend to it, remove the weeds, water it, add nutrients for growth.  

Throughout all of this seeking, I have been drawn to the Catholic Church.  Interesting, because in the past I was taught the Catholic faith was false and a profound perversion of the true faith.  They worship saints and the pope and Mary.  I believe this propaganda, because I inherently trusted the men feeding it to me.  I now understand Catholics worship only God and call upon Mary and the Saints to pray for them, as one would call upon a brother, a Pastor, or a friend.  

I have learned about Saints, like Thomas a Kempis and Ignatius of Loyola, who taught a deep and daily following of the life of Christ, in order to maintain their faith.  This is watering and fertilizing the soil.  Father Mike teaches that weekly mass and Eucharist is essential for remaining in the Lord's grace, therefore cultivating and watering the soil.  

If I am going to maintain my faith, and prevent it from fading or being choked out, I am convinced I need to do it as a Catholic.  I haven't come to a firm conclusion yet.  I need to wait and see where this path leads.  I will trust God.